I take a deep breath

As you say the words, “I can’t do this anymore”

When I try to breathe out

It is as if someone pulled my lungs

From my body

And replaced them with sandbags

I collapse because

I know that there is nothing I can do

To make you feel what you felt

When you kissed me and said,

“I love you to the moon

and back”

I want your fingertips on my cheek

Want to sleep like we used to sleep

I want your hand in mine, want the passenger seat

Please remember the night we laid on a blanket

In the middle of that field

And told the stars that

Forever

could never be a far enough distance

For you and I to travel together

I want you in every kind of weather

I swear to God I’ll never be able to look at the sun

Without seeing your smile in it

Never walk in the leaves

Without my hand missing the weight of yours

Never lay in my bed

Without wishing I will turn over and see you

Sleeping so gently

No one has ever seen me

Like you saw me

You painted pictures and recited poems

To each one of my flaws

I am counting on the lines in my palms

To lead us back together

I cant help but feel like this is one of those nightmares

I will wake up to

I hope I wake up to you

Can I just say I fucking miss you more

Than I have ever missed anything?

And I can’t focus on writing a good poem

When my mind is busy with the traffic

Of all of the ways you made me fall in love with you.

I wanted forever.

Wanted your wrinkled hands in mine.

Wanted the big porch and the rocking chair

And you

I still do

God, I still do

my heart is a ticking time bomb tonight

but when it explodes I want it to be with light

there are too many who have jumped for the kiss

and fallen to fist

we are born into this

there is an ache between my shoulder blades

begging for bouquets instead of hand grenades

i can’t begin to get a handle on the hands that have held me

i have found that i am hard to hold

our confidence is bought and sold

every single hour eyes are open

would you believe me if I said you are golden?

or would you make me say it to myself first?

i believe i am a tree amongst trees

begging to see whatever love sees

i am a forgetful child with scrapes on my knees

i don’t ever want to rationalize

why Sam died

please

something tells me that heaven

is a heaping pile of leaves

and i am praying that Sam and Lizz

will be the first ones there to dance

without the relentless tick of time

and mountains impossible for weak legs to climb

i am begging for birth after death’s reckless chime

please keep us where the flowers grow

there are daisies

trying to grow in my veins

they want to remind my heart

that it’s never too late to bloom

there are holes in my jeans

and bruises on my knees

from the night

i was reminded of gravity

and how no matter how hard i tried

i could not defy it

it was the time i ran the streets 

of my neighborhood

in the middle of the night

so i could feel my lungs burn

i was tripping over my irrationality

with every step 

but i wanted to know i was alive

and i wanted to believe i could find you